Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Frankie Baby!



Old Blue Eyes. The Chairman of the Board. Frank Sinatra was the epitome of American male coolness. When he walked into any room, his confident swagger created an electric charge. Women wanted to be with him and men wanted to be him.

Part of Sinatra’s manly and cool presence came from the way he talked. See, Frank had a way of livening up every part of life, even the English language. He peppered casual conversations with phrases and words that to the uninitiated sounded like a bunch of gibberish. Yet it left people intrigued, and wanting to be part of the seemingly exclusive fraternity that used this secret lingo. It not only created a magnetic attraction, but simply sounded damn cool.

Below is a dictionary of the secret man language of Frank Sinatra. Throw a few of these words into your conversations among friends. You’ll probably get a few raised eyebrows but like Frank, you’ll add spark to even the most mundane interactions.






* Bag — As in “my bag,” a person’s particular interest.
* ‘Barn burner — A very stylish, classy woman.
* Beard — A male friend who acts as a ‘cover,’ usually for extramarital affairs.
* Beetle — A girl who dresses in flashy clothes.
* Big-leaguer — A resourceful man who can handle any situation.
* Bird — A euphemism sometimes used in reference to the pelvic section.
* Bombsvllle — Any kind of failure in life.
* Broad — Affectionate term for a girl or woman with sex appeal.
* Bum - A person who is despised, most frequently linked to people in the media.
* Bunter - A man who fails in almost everything he does, the opposite of gasser.
* Charley - A general term for anyone whose name has been forgotten.
* Chick - A young and invariably pretty girl.
* Clam-bake - A party or get-together.
* Cool - A term of admiration for a person or place.
* Creep - A man who is disliked for any reason whatsoever.
* Crumb - Someone for whom it is impossible to show respect.
* Dame - A generally derogatory term for a probably unattractive woman.
* Dig - A term of appreciation for a person or thing, as in “I dig her,”
* Dying - As in “I’m dying” which means “I’m slightly upset.”
* End - A word to signify that someone or something is the very best.
* Endsville - A term to express total failure, and similar to bombsville.
* Fink - A man who cannot be relied upon, whose loyalties are suspect.
* First base - The start of something, usually applied in terms of failure when
someone has reached it.
* Fracture - As in “That fractures me,” meaning “That’s an amusing joke.”
* Gas - A great situation as in “The day was a gas.”
* Gasoline - A term for alcohol, more specifically, Frank’s favorite drink, Jack.
* Gasser - A man or woman highly admired, considered to be the best or “The End!”
* Gofer - Someone who does menial jobs or runs errands, as in “go for drinks,”
* Good night all - A term of invective to change the subject of conversation.
* Groove - As in “in the groove,” a term of admiration or approval.
* Harvey - A man or woman who acts in a stupid or naive fashion;
* Hacked - A word used to describe someone who is angry, as in “He’s hacked off.”
* Hello! –A cry of surprise to no one in particular when a beautiful woman is
seen.
* Hunker - A jack-of-all-trades rather like the gofer.
* Jokes - A term used to describe an actor’s lines in a film script.
* Let’s lose Charley - A term used among intimates who want to get rid of a bore
in their company.
* Locked-up - As in “All locked-up,” a term for a forthcoming date or engagement.
* Loser - Anyone who has made a mess of their life, drinks too much, makes
enemies.
* Mish-mash - Similar to loser but refers specifically to a woman who is mixed
up.
* Mouse - Usually a small, very feminine girl who invites being cuddled.
* Nowhere - A term of failure, usually applied to a person, viz “He’s nowhere.”
* Odds - Used in connection with important decisions, as in “The odds aren’t
right,” meaning not to go somewhere, accept anything or buy something.
* Original loser - A man or woman without talent; sometimes more fully expressed
as “He (she) is the original Major Bowes Amateur Hour loser.”
* Platinum - Having a big heart, generous. “You’re platinum, pussycat!”
* Player - Term for a man who is a gambler by nature, who makes friends easily,
and never gives up trying.
* Punks - Any undesirable, in particular mobsters, gangsters or criminals.
* Quin - Derisive term for any girl or woman who is an easy pick-up.
* Rain - As in “I think it’s going to rain” indicating that it is time to leave a
dull gathering or party.
* Ring-a-ding - A term of approval for a beautiful girl, viz “What a ring-a-ding
Broad.
* Sam - Used in the same way as Charley for a person whose name has been
forgotten, most often applied to females.
* Scam - To cheat at gambling, as in “Hey, what’s the scam?”
* Scramsville - To run off.
* Sharp - A person who dresses well and with style.
* Smashed - A word used to describe someone who is drunk. On occasions it has
been replaced with “pissed.”
* Square - A person of limited character, not unlike a harvey.
* Swing - v. To hang out and drink, smoke, sing, generally get real loose.
* Tomato - As in “a ripe tomato” a woman ready for seduction or even marriage.
* Twirl - A girl who loves dancing. An alternative word with the same meaning is
a “Twist.”
* Ville - A suffix used to indicate changes in any given situation. See
endsville, etc.
* Wow-ee wow wow- An expression of glee, joyful anticipation and a euphemism for
lubricious fun.

Friday, February 8, 2008

So True.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Fighting Phils

I miss baseball season, Phillies games in particular, especially during the days where the sub-arctic winds make my face crack and my nipples hard enough to slice titanium. Sure, the obvious reasons being I miss partaking in an activity that involves weather that does not cause physical agony and being able to bingedrink before sundown without anyone even hinting at the possibility that an AA visit might be in order. But lately, the Phillies are where I channel my entire feeling of a Philadelphia Championship.


I miss the bulldog-faced girls from Fishtown with their Pat Burrell jerseys and cut offs that proudly display their liberally bruised and dented thighs. I miss the crustache sporting man-boob afflicted greaseballs who will pluck a foul ball out of an eight year old's hopeful hand with the same casual air that you or I would reach for a post-work cocktail. I miss the way the Phillie Phanatic would rocket hot dogs into the crowd like it was a mascot money shot. In summation, the Phillie Phanatic wielding a phallic hot dog rocket launcher into the crowd is by all accounts delightful entertainment for the entire family. The Phanatic lifting his top and shaking a set of imaginary mammaries is about as delightful as genital warts.


A Phillies Game is the only place where I can overtly question the sexual orientation of men wearing the opposing team's jersey, drunkenly shout my displeasure at the pitcher via a litany of vulgarities within earshot of a kindergardener, and have my mom reward my behavior by buying me an ice cream sundae in a mini-batting helmet. Let's face it, I'm clearly no more sophisticated than anyone else at the ballpark, I'm just lacking a tribal lowerback tattoo and/or stretch marks.Then there's the Mets who have about as much collective charisma as a band-aid floating in a pool. These kind of teams are all right, but they don't have any heart. And by "heart" I mean they don't have the tendency to punish me year after year by completely flubbing the beginning of the season, gaining momentum, and finishing strong before completely shitting the bed when presented with the chance to actually secure a wild card slot in the Play Offs.

Of course, spring training is a few weeks away, and I have a really good feeling about this season. Kind of like the good feeling I had about last season. And the season before that.....Though last season was a start!

But this season is different so keep you heads up my fellow Phanatics,

Kevin

Douche

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science

The Egocentric Douchebag




The child who screams "Look at me! Look at me!" is all grown up and he can't wait to tell you about himself. You want to talk about the football game last night? He'll talk about how he quarterbacked his high school football team to the state championships. Wondering about a good place to grab a bite to eat? He'll tell you he can make reservations anywhere because he's the man. Concerned about poverty in Africa? Why the fuck do you care! This dude has banged like twenty models! Seriously, you're talking to a legend, and he'll be the first to remind you of this fact.
The Disorder:

Histrionic Personality Disorder or HDP. The disorder is characterized as an overwhelming desire to be noticed and willingness to engage in any attention-seeking behavior. This was the kid who was the first to jump off the high dive--if there was an audience to watch him.

These drama-queens know all the world's a stage, and they have been cast for lead role of MacD'bag. Those with HDP have a self-esteem that is dependent on the approval of others and they posses no clear concept of self worth. They're way more likely to lash out at criticism or disapproval than they should be. They'll flirt with anyone, any time. They tend to mistake any attention as sexual attraction ("I'm tellin' ya, she totally wants me, bro"). Their opinions are easily influenced by others, and they find it difficult to support them if pressed for details. They travel in packs.

The disease is not socially debilitating, since most sufferers maintain good networking skills, but they manipulate these relationships in a way that brings notice only to themselves. Thusly, sufferers of the disease tend to pass their suffering onto us.

Jim Breuer and Alcohol

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Golden Arch of Obesity




After college and tons of beer, I moved back home to my parents house where there was a Mickey D's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Burger King, and KFC all within a mile radius. Ok so at college I didn't eat great, let alone at all. The beer diet didn't work as planned and now I am home with an extra 20lbs or so in the gut. I entered the "real world" where my exercise regime was made up of right hand calastetics, possible climbing of steps, if and only when the elevator was out, and fooseball.

I wanted to drop the weight and thought I needed a new workout. So I signed up to a local gym, I was keeping at it thinking I was doing well but nothing was happening. So after about 100 99 cent junior bacon cheeseburges, 54 big macs, 200 large fries, and 164 frosties, I moved out on my own. I lived in the Ghetto and the last place I would go was deep into the ghetto for a lousy big mac, ahhh I still remember falling asleep by counting gun shots rather than sheep.

This is when I learned how to cook, and dropped the golden arch like bodies drop in Nicetown. So after about 2 years of maybe having fast food once in a blue moon and exercising a little, I managed to be as thin as I ever was. I was inspired to write this after seeing the picture above. America is a fast food nation and we wonder why the obesity levels are so high. So to all you parents out there, please for the love of god and your children, do away with the happy meal, cook a nice wholesome dinner, and spend time with your family around the dinner table, not Mickey D's Playhouse.

Kevin