Online Dating?

I was bored at work the other day and thought I would put up a post on Craigslist. I posted one on the personal section of men looking for women. You would not believe the responses I had received. I did it as a joke at first but then took it seriously when I was getting responses from some really cool and hot women. Here is what I posted:

My Journey

I just got back from Alaska where I was building igloos for the Eskimo homeless. It was there I realized even after tracking down Saddam Hussein , ending the cold war, coming close to curing cancer, and kicking Chuck Norris's ass that my life was still incomplete. I continued my journey from Alaska and walked across the Bering Straight through Russia, around the Sea of Okhotsk, to find myself in a small Tibetan town. It was here during Losar, the Tibetan New Year Festival that I realized what was missing in my life. I needed to find myself a woman. So I decided to head west. My journey continued through Europe where I came short on traveling funds and had to join the Manchester United Football Club. After scoring the game winning goal in the Premiere League Championship I cashed my signing bonus and got a one way flight to Philadelphia. The plane crashed somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. It was here a real test of manhood took over me. All 120 passengers except for me where unconscious,drowning, and circled with Great Whites. As I fended off the sharks I continued to search for the passengers and pulling them up to the life raft. I found all 119 passengers. The only problem was that now there wasn't enough room for me on the raft. Since I was all ready half way to America I decided to swim. One week later I finally washed up on the shores of New Jersey. I hung out on this nice Island they called Sea Isle, caught a tan, and a well deserved drink. The girls there where nice but I knew it wasn't going to be a Jersey girl that I would fall for. I am no Bruce. So finally I made it to Philly. Now I am here on CL personal adds because after being in Philly for a few years I still haven't found "her". Please help me for I am exhausted.

If Valentine's Day Cards Were Honest

Frankie Baby!

Old Blue Eyes. The Chairman of the Board. Frank Sinatra was the epitome of American male coolness. When he walked into any room, his confident swagger created an electric charge. Women wanted to be with him and men wanted to be him.

Part of Sinatra’s manly and cool presence came from the way he talked. See, Frank had a way of livening up every part of life, even the English language. He peppered casual conversations with phrases and words that to the uninitiated sounded like a bunch of gibberish. Yet it left people intrigued, and wanting to be part of the seemingly exclusive fraternity that used this secret lingo. It not only created a magnetic attraction, but simply sounded damn cool.

Below is a dictionary of the secret man language of Frank Sinatra. Throw a few of these words into your conversations among friends. You’ll probably get a few raised eyebrows but like Frank, you’ll add spark to even the most mundane interactions.






* Bag — As in “my bag,” a person’s particular interest.
* ‘Barn burner — A very stylish, classy woman.
* Beard — A male friend who acts as a ‘cover,’ usually for extramarital affairs.
* Beetle — A girl who dresses in flashy clothes.
* Big-leaguer — A resourceful man who can handle any situation.
* Bird — A euphemism sometimes used in reference to the pelvic section.
* Bombsvllle — Any kind of failure in life.
* Broad — Affectionate term for a girl or woman with sex appeal.
* Bum - A person who is despised, most frequently linked to people in the media.
* Bunter - A man who fails in almost everything he does, the opposite of gasser.
* Charley - A general term for anyone whose name has been forgotten.
* Chick - A young and invariably pretty girl.
* Clam-bake - A party or get-together.
* Cool - A term of admiration for a person or place.
* Creep - A man who is disliked for any reason whatsoever.
* Crumb - Someone for whom it is impossible to show respect.
* Dame - A generally derogatory term for a probably unattractive woman.
* Dig - A term of appreciation for a person or thing, as in “I dig her,”
* Dying - As in “I’m dying” which means “I’m slightly upset.”
* End - A word to signify that someone or something is the very best.
* Endsville - A term to express total failure, and similar to bombsville.
* Fink - A man who cannot be relied upon, whose loyalties are suspect.
* First base - The start of something, usually applied in terms of failure when
someone has reached it.
* Fracture - As in “That fractures me,” meaning “That’s an amusing joke.”
* Gas - A great situation as in “The day was a gas.”
* Gasoline - A term for alcohol, more specifically, Frank’s favorite drink, Jack.
* Gasser - A man or woman highly admired, considered to be the best or “The End!”
* Gofer - Someone who does menial jobs or runs errands, as in “go for drinks,”
* Good night all - A term of invective to change the subject of conversation.
* Groove - As in “in the groove,” a term of admiration or approval.
* Harvey - A man or woman who acts in a stupid or naive fashion;
* Hacked - A word used to describe someone who is angry, as in “He’s hacked off.”
* Hello! –A cry of surprise to no one in particular when a beautiful woman is
seen.
* Hunker - A jack-of-all-trades rather like the gofer.
* Jokes - A term used to describe an actor’s lines in a film script.
* Let’s lose Charley - A term used among intimates who want to get rid of a bore
in their company.
* Locked-up - As in “All locked-up,” a term for a forthcoming date or engagement.
* Loser - Anyone who has made a mess of their life, drinks too much, makes
enemies.
* Mish-mash - Similar to loser but refers specifically to a woman who is mixed
up.
* Mouse - Usually a small, very feminine girl who invites being cuddled.
* Nowhere - A term of failure, usually applied to a person, viz “He’s nowhere.”
* Odds - Used in connection with important decisions, as in “The odds aren’t
right,” meaning not to go somewhere, accept anything or buy something.
* Original loser - A man or woman without talent; sometimes more fully expressed
as “He (she) is the original Major Bowes Amateur Hour loser.”
* Platinum - Having a big heart, generous. “You’re platinum, pussycat!”
* Player - Term for a man who is a gambler by nature, who makes friends easily,
and never gives up trying.
* Punks - Any undesirable, in particular mobsters, gangsters or criminals.
* Quin - Derisive term for any girl or woman who is an easy pick-up.
* Rain - As in “I think it’s going to rain” indicating that it is time to leave a
dull gathering or party.
* Ring-a-ding - A term of approval for a beautiful girl, viz “What a ring-a-ding
Broad.
* Sam - Used in the same way as Charley for a person whose name has been
forgotten, most often applied to females.
* Scam - To cheat at gambling, as in “Hey, what’s the scam?”
* Scramsville - To run off.
* Sharp - A person who dresses well and with style.
* Smashed - A word used to describe someone who is drunk. On occasions it has
been replaced with “pissed.”
* Square - A person of limited character, not unlike a harvey.
* Swing - v. To hang out and drink, smoke, sing, generally get real loose.
* Tomato - As in “a ripe tomato” a woman ready for seduction or even marriage.
* Twirl - A girl who loves dancing. An alternative word with the same meaning is
a “Twist.”
* Ville - A suffix used to indicate changes in any given situation. See
endsville, etc.
* Wow-ee wow wow- An expression of glee, joyful anticipation and a euphemism for
lubricious fun.

So True.

Fighting Phils

I miss baseball season, Phillies games in particular, especially during the days where the sub-arctic winds make my face crack and my nipples hard enough to slice titanium. Sure, the obvious reasons being I miss partaking in an activity that involves weather that does not cause physical agony and being able to bingedrink before sundown without anyone even hinting at the possibility that an AA visit might be in order. But lately, the Phillies are where I channel my entire feeling of a Philadelphia Championship.


I miss the bulldog-faced girls from Fishtown with their Pat Burrell jerseys and cut offs that proudly display their liberally bruised and dented thighs. I miss the crustache sporting man-boob afflicted greaseballs who will pluck a foul ball out of an eight year old's hopeful hand with the same casual air that you or I would reach for a post-work cocktail. I miss the way the Phillie Phanatic would rocket hot dogs into the crowd like it was a mascot money shot. In summation, the Phillie Phanatic wielding a phallic hot dog rocket launcher into the crowd is by all accounts delightful entertainment for the entire family. The Phanatic lifting his top and shaking a set of imaginary mammaries is about as delightful as genital warts.


A Phillies Game is the only place where I can overtly question the sexual orientation of men wearing the opposing team's jersey, drunkenly shout my displeasure at the pitcher via a litany of vulgarities within earshot of a kindergardener, and have my mom reward my behavior by buying me an ice cream sundae in a mini-batting helmet. Let's face it, I'm clearly no more sophisticated than anyone else at the ballpark, I'm just lacking a tribal lowerback tattoo and/or stretch marks.Then there's the Mets who have about as much collective charisma as a band-aid floating in a pool. These kind of teams are all right, but they don't have any heart. And by "heart" I mean they don't have the tendency to punish me year after year by completely flubbing the beginning of the season, gaining momentum, and finishing strong before completely shitting the bed when presented with the chance to actually secure a wild card slot in the Play Offs.

Of course, spring training is a few weeks away, and I have a really good feeling about this season. Kind of like the good feeling I had about last season. And the season before that.....Though last season was a start!

But this season is different so keep you heads up my fellow Phanatics,

Kevin

Douche