Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science

The Egocentric Douchebag




The child who screams "Look at me! Look at me!" is all grown up and he can't wait to tell you about himself. You want to talk about the football game last night? He'll talk about how he quarterbacked his high school football team to the state championships. Wondering about a good place to grab a bite to eat? He'll tell you he can make reservations anywhere because he's the man. Concerned about poverty in Africa? Why the fuck do you care! This dude has banged like twenty models! Seriously, you're talking to a legend, and he'll be the first to remind you of this fact.
The Disorder:

Histrionic Personality Disorder or HDP. The disorder is characterized as an overwhelming desire to be noticed and willingness to engage in any attention-seeking behavior. This was the kid who was the first to jump off the high dive--if there was an audience to watch him.

These drama-queens know all the world's a stage, and they have been cast for lead role of MacD'bag. Those with HDP have a self-esteem that is dependent on the approval of others and they posses no clear concept of self worth. They're way more likely to lash out at criticism or disapproval than they should be. They'll flirt with anyone, any time. They tend to mistake any attention as sexual attraction ("I'm tellin' ya, she totally wants me, bro"). Their opinions are easily influenced by others, and they find it difficult to support them if pressed for details. They travel in packs.

The disease is not socially debilitating, since most sufferers maintain good networking skills, but they manipulate these relationships in a way that brings notice only to themselves. Thusly, sufferers of the disease tend to pass their suffering onto us.

Jim Breuer and Alcohol

The Golden Arch of Obesity

After college and tons of beer, I moved back home to my parents house where there was a Mickey D's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Burger King, and KFC all within a mile radius. Ok so at college I didn't eat great, let alone at all. The beer diet didn't work as planned and now I am home with an extra 20lbs or so in the gut. I entered the "real world" where my exercise regime was made up of right hand calastetics, possible climbing of steps, if and only when the elevator was out, and fooseball.

I wanted to drop the weight and thought I needed a new workout. So I signed up to a local gym, I was keeping at it thinking I was doing well but nothing was happening. So after about 100 99 cent junior bacon cheeseburges, 54 big macs, 200 large fries, and 164 frosties, I moved out on my own. I lived in the Ghetto and the last place I would go was deep into the ghetto for a lousy big mac, ahhh I still remember falling asleep by counting gun shots rather than sheep.

This is when I learned how to cook, and dropped the golden arch like bodies drop in Nicetown. So after about 2 years of maybe having fast food once in a blue moon and exercising a little, I managed to be as thin as I ever was. I was inspired to write this after seeing the picture above. America is a fast food nation and we wonder why the obesity levels are so high. So to all you parents out there, please for the love of god and your children, do away with the happy meal, cook a nice wholesome dinner, and spend time with your family around the dinner table, not Mickey D's Playhouse.

Kevin

"Change, shit I guess change is good for any of us...."

CHANGE

As I write this on the day of the New Hampshire Primary, all of the Democratic Candidates and the prominent Republicans are attepting to sell themselves as "the candidate of change." The reason for this is simple, a majority of the voting public and a overwhelming majority of the American public are disgusted with the current state of politics, and the candidates are attempting to cash in on this. These sales pitches range from the ridiculous (Hillary Clinton and John McCain and their combined 50 years in Washington), to those portraying themselves as able to effect change through more efficient government (Mitt Romney, Barack Obama and soon to include Mike Bloomberg), to the demagogue who will set fire to various Corporate Headquarters, construct a guilliotine and redistribute land to the peasants (John Edwards).

It is with those who claim that meaningful change in this country can be effected by better, more efficient government with whom I wish to deal. Insanity has been defined as repeatedly taking the same action while expecting a different result. I feel that this is what voters will be doing if they seriously believe that meaningful change can be accomplished by a better, more efficient government. To me, "efficient government" is a contradiction in terms, like "Sober Zavada"

I strongly believe that by its very nature, government is inherently inefficient - so much so that even its best intentioned actions can have negative consequences. In coming days and weeks I plan to offer concrete examples to support this belief, so stay tuned.

But to those who recognize the manifest negative effects of a powerful centralized government, i.e. wasted tax money, disastrously aggressive foriegn policy, inflation in the price of the necessities of life, I submit to you that it is not change we need, but rather R3VOLUTION.

The change that Ron Paul has advocated during his career in public service has been indeed revolutionary, which is a return to the limited Federal Government mandated by the Constitution and a reversal of the one hundred year trend away from personal liberty and responsibility, attributes which foster a dynamic, prosperous society.

Other candidates want to use the Federal Goverment to change things in one way or another. Ron Paul believes that if the Federal Government were to stop interfering in our lives, the people themselves will be able to change things. Who do you trust more, yourself or the government?

Again, this is only a brief introduction, please stay tuned to the site as I offer support for and expand on the ideas presented above. Please feel free to learn more by searching for "Ron Paul" on Youtube or Google, or by visiting his campaign homepage at www.ronpaul2008.com.

Sincerely,

Brian B. Zona

Forget Global Warming, Local Warming is Serious Business!

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